The effect of my Chinese friends

I first went about looking for specifically Chinese friends after I had met my girlfriend. I felt that it was important for me to gain some knowledge first and foremost about the Chinese culture and then perhaps some way down the road they could also help me in learning Chinese.

Knowing very little of the culture at the time, I also started reading books about Chinese history and the Chinese people at the same time. Initially I found some people who wanted to speak to me, their goal mainly to improve their English ability, which is in fashion in China. Some people would talk to me for a while and then disappear due to work commitments or changing schedules and lose interest in ‘language exchange’. In fact I thought I was becoming good friends with a girl from Putian City, but work commitments became so great that she simple had no time to talk anymore.

One thing I have found from speaking to various Chinese people, in particular Chinese girls, is that they have such a strong commitment to making a life for themselves. Most have plans for the future, which quite often change, but in comparison to Westerners, they set clear goals for themselves. Sometimes their own personal interests have to take the backseat, as they need to provide for their parents and sometimes also for their sibling’s university education. Such is their importance to fulfil this obligation, that they often do not share their feelings with their family, such as disliking their job and having troubles with their private lives. These girls are truly alone. They can speak about it to no-one, unless they have the luck of finding a boyfriend who is willing to listen, or a close friend who they feel they discuss anything. More often than not however, the girls take jobs far away from their hometowns and are separated from their close friends. Additionally, the sheer amount of hours that they work for gives them little chance to meet boys and therefore limiting their ability to form meaningful relationships.

Some girls also suffer from having to deal with long-distance relationships, due to certain jobs being available only in certain provinces, or the job requires constant moving around. Being in a long-distance relationship myself, I can understand the frustration that can be involved. However these girls are only able to see their boyfriends once a year (during the Spring Festival) and then must spend the rest of the year lonely. Whilst someone like me can afford to make changes that will ensure that I can be together with my girlfriend in the near future, in most Chinese long-distance relationships it is quite different. Often their plans involve being apart from some years, then coming together for a short while to get married and for the girl to get pregnant. Immediately after this, the man would go back to his job and once again only return for the Spring Festival. The turmoil involved in the contemplation of this future I can only imagine. Talking to one girl who was in a similar position, the mixture of emotions is telling. Some days she will be happy and positive about the future, other days she will be very sad and frustrated at her state of affairs and more recently and more worryingly she is now apathetic and willing to accept anything she can get in terms of love. I certainly worry that this is a progression and it will be hard to go back to the days where she was happy and optimistic about her future. Also knowing that this likely happens to many Chinese girls, makes it a sad thing to contemplate.

Historically and even in just recent history, Chinese girls have suffered. Whilst it is true that women have suffered at the hands of men and in general life in every country, it is particularly moving to hear the stories of Chinese women. I read a book called (The Good Women of China) by Xinran  and it was quite easily the most powerful book I have every read.  Against the greatest adversity, women have always soldiered on and not given up. Things are changing today and women have much more power and influence, but it still could certainly be improved. Much of the change can be attributed to the influence of Western culture such as movies and could explain, to some extent, the obsession with English that most Chinese seem to share.

Learning about how the Chinese live their lives have given me a greater appreciation of the life I live and how lucky I am. It has also motivated me to try, as best I can, to talk through my Chinese friends’ problems and help them in any way I can. If I can make them even feel a little better about their lives, maybe I can give something back for all that they have told me since I have met them.

My experience in communicating in English to Chinese people

I was in China last December (2009) and went to three cities; Hangzhou, Shanghai and Zhuji (Shaoxing). Some of my time was spent in Binjiang district where mainly university students live. The other part was spent in the north east corner of Xihu (West Lake). There tended to be different reactions to my presence depending on where I was. In Binjiang, it seemed that I was out of place. In terms of foreigners, I didn’t see many, although I was told that quite a few lived there as English teachers. I guess I feel I am pretty good at reading body language and it just felt like others thought I was lost in Binjiang. In the West Lake area, I seemed to draw less attention in terms of people thinking I was lost, however there were far more people calling out to me and shouting ‘Hello, Hello’ ‘Laowai’ and so on. At first this is exciting and I felt happy that people would be interested in me, however it does get annoying after a while. None of these people actually approached me to have a conversation, it was more ‘look there’s a giraffe’ – like observation that they yelled to their friends.

I met some of my girlfriend’s friends and relatives over the 25 days that I was there. Her friends were quite excited to meet me and they had learned English in school and had all entered university so I assumed they wouldn’t have too much problem communicating at least in basic English. What I actually found was that they were unable to communicate with me at all. It turned out that this had nothing to do with their English ability, but more to do with shyness. They had never spoken to a foreigner face to face before, so they were overawed in the circumstances they were in. After a few days, one of the girls I met was able to start talking to me and could communicate quite well. So it does appear that the problem in communication has less to do with ability and more to do with actual real life practice. I found exactly the same with my girlfriend’s relatives, who would actually understand everything or at least most of what I said at the dinner table, but could just offer nothing back. I believe they are very worried about making mistakes, but of course what they don’t realize is that I don’t mind that at all and think that it’s the best way to learn.

When thinking about how I will approach learning Chinese, I’d certainly want to practice Chinese by speaking it with others. I do agree that there would be a degree of apprehension and nervousness in speaking it, but I certainly wouldn’t refuse to even give it a try. This may have a big cultural difference attached to it and it’s something that probably needs to be explored more deeply.

Introducing my blog

Hello.

So I thought I’d start a blog to write about my thoughts and feelings from now on. It is called ‘gjmchina’ as they are my initials and something that will be very close to my heart in the future, China. My girlfriend is Chinese and is currently living in Hangzhou, China. At the end of April/ beginning of May, I will be joining her in Hangzhou so I can be with her. The plan at the current time is to stay 3 months, although that may change depending on circumstances. Whilst I really want to be with her all the time, this is very difficult as the job opportunities in China are limited. I don’t see myself as much of an English teacher, which tends to be the avenue that most foreigners in China head towards. 

During the 3 months I will attend the Mandarin Capital (www.mandarincapital.cn) language school to learn Chinese. This will be extremely beneficial to me for two reasons. The first being that it will increase my chances of future employment in China, if that is the path I end up taking. Secondly and more importantly, it will allow me to communicate with my girlfriends parents, something that I feel is very important to me. I really want to be able to communicate with my girlfriends parents and not be a stranger to them. This second reason actually also extends to my ability to communicate with all people and make any future life in China considerably easier. I will write about my previous experience in China in a later blog, but I can tell you now that it was very difficult walking around China by myself with no Chinese ability and it is thus absolutely vital that I can navigate through basic Chinese. To be honest, my goal is to become fluent in Mandarin, although I am aware that it is one of the most difficult languages in the world.

In this blog I hope that I can communicate my thoughts about China, its culture and its people, as well as other thoughts I have in my life. I have made some very good friends who are Chinese and I personally think they have changed my life. I hope I can write many blogs just highlighting how and why they have been so important to me.